By Steve Provizer

It’s important at this time to keep our relationships going, even as we hunker down in fear behind four walls. Thankfully, “The Ultimate Foreplay List” is here.

Shame on you. In these days of COVID-19 we’ve been lowering expectations, trying to just take it a day at a time — whatever that means. But the good folks at Britain’s Kegel8, the “pelvic healthcare company,” have been burning the midnight oil. I’m not talking about their informative blog posts “Did You Know Your Favourite Celebs Suffered from These Pelvic Floor Disorders?” and “What is a Sitz Bath? (+Why You Need One!).” No, I’m talking about the company’s recent study “The world’s most listened-to songs during sex revealed,” helpfully shortened to “The Ultimate Foreplay List.” No documentation of the effort’s methodology is provided: no mention of control groups, listening devices, or fleets of unmarked vans with antennas on the roof. So a leap of faith may be called for: Are people actually having sex while listening to these songs?

The Kegel8 press release is also a touch uncertain. “The jury is still out as to whether a lockdown will cause a baby boom of coronials in nine months’ time or a sharp increase in divorce rates. But one thing’s for sure, it’s important to keep your relationship going behind your four walls or even virtually.” Apart from the questionable punctuation, and the cryptic notion of maintaining a virtual relationship, I must applaud their meme-worthy coinage, coronials. Remember, you heard it here second.

How did Kegel8 arrive at its heavy-breathing list? On Spotify, their minions searched the terms “Sex,” “Netflix and Chill,” “Date Night,” “Make Love,” and “Baby Making.” Could it be that those particular words might tend to lead to particular results? Hey, let’s play it as it lays (sorry). Here’s hoping Mr. Netflix didn’t kick in a little something for product placement.

Technical takeaways: the average song listened to during sex is just under four minutes (I think they’re on to something here), was released in the 2010s (stay with me, Boomers), is sung in the key of “G” (of course, think G-spot) and has a moderate tempo of 115 beats per minute (moderation in the pursuit of coitus is no vice).

The most listened-to artists in the sex-themed playlists were The Weeknd, Trey Songz, Jeremih, and Ed Sheeran, each featured in over 1000 sensual roll calls. The rev-up tunes that made the Top 10: “Neighbors Know My Name,” “Slow Motion,” “All the Time,” “Earned it,” “Often,” “Don’t,” “Pony,” “Birthday Sex,” “Wicked Games,” and “Exchange.” If these results are valid, many of you will know these songs and have them in heavy rotation. I have no knowledge of them; my personal fallback music for lovemaking is easier to find on cassette than on Spotify. But before you post a nasty comment, remember I’m not here as a music critic, but as your guide to Kegel8’s attempt to hot-wire our libidos while we shelter in place.

You may find in the course of all this guided schtupping that, despite the potency (ahem) of the music, you have encountered some performance issues. Terror of catching a plague (particularly for those in the vulnerable over-60 demographic) is enough to foil any aphrodisiac. Rest assured that Stephanie Taylor, managing director of Kegel8, is ready to arrest your anxiety: “If you find yourself at the end of the playlist without that moment of glory you could be suffering from a weak pelvic floor.” And, of course, the helpful people at Kegel8 have discounted the company’s Tight & Tone Electronic Pelvic Toner, which is now only £87.49.

Was “The Ultimate Foreplay List” generated merely as a clever way to move product? I refuse to believe it. Mankind’s future is at stake, and that calls for procreation. So, by all means, peruse the Kegel8 roll call and spawn a coronial. As for overpopulation, let’s take it one crisis at a time.

Steve Provizer writes on a range of subject, most often the arts. He is a musician and blogs about jazz here.